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Take Him
Or Leave Him? and Being Bi |
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| Dear Angelo, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than one year. But it's very weird because we have never met, even though we're in the same city. We talk only online and by phone. He always tells me that we will meet "next weekend," but every time I call him on his mobile on the weekend he doesn't answer my call. When I ask him about this behavior, he says he was "busy." Please help me! What can I do? Signed, Home Alone Dear Home Alone, I feel for you and admire your devotion. However, I think you need to redefine things for yourself. A relationship is defined as a state of connectedness (especially an emotional connection) between two people. So given the fact that you've never met, you have to do some reality testing and ask yourself, "how connected are you?" In other words, how strong is your relationship — really? Although you may have deep conversations, he hasn't even made a valiant effort to meet you in person for a whole year! This behavior isn't worthy of you. Perhaps you desire a boyfriend. Maybe you don't want to be alone. And low esteem can make us settle. But you're worthy of more! I don't think this relationship qualifies as "boyfriends." A relationship gets defined by consistent actions over time, regardless of the labels we put on it. Words can get us into trouble. After all they're just words. How many people do you know who hear the words "'I love you" from someone, yet are treated poorly by them? Calling him your boyfriend doesn't make it true. When it comes to men, listen to their actions, not words. Try more of a wait-and-see attitude before you define things. Next time you talk to your man ask him, "where is this going?" If it freaks him out and he disappears — good — he wasn't showing up for you anyway. You want someone who treats you like gold and wants to be with you — in person! Dating can be a little like fishing. While it requires patience (in addition to some effort and a bit of luck), I think you should throw this one back. Use your energy to hook a bigger or better fish. One that you can take home. All The Best, Angelo. Dear Angelo, My boyfriend Matt and I broke up recently. We shared a year together. Matt suffers with OCD and has a very large bisexuality conflict. We still love each other, but we both know it's best for him to figure his sexuality out on his own. But I don't know how to close the door, or even if I should. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm just standing here waiting, and I don't like that. What should I do? Signed, Stand By Dear Stand By, Sexuality isn't as polarized (gay or straight) as we like to think. In reality, it's much more fluid. Most people have a range of sexual attraction, finding themselves some place between the two extremes. But due to the man code, many men don't feel free enough to explore their full sexual potential. How comfortable a guy is with his "gayness" (to whatever degree it exists in him) directly impacts the quantity and quality of their same sex relationships. You can't have lasting intimate relationships with other men if you’re guard is up regarding your gay parts. Internalized negativity about same sex attraction is at the core of why it can be so hard to meet a man for something more. Often deep insecurity about masculinity is at the core, since gay men ingest that they're regarded as feminine and thus not "real men" (emasculated). You can’t connect emotionally to another man if you’re defensively wearing masculine armor to safeguard your manhood, because you think being gay is less masculine. How close you hold your masculine shield is directly proportional to how far you’re able to develop meaningful and lasting same sex partnerships. The closer you hold the “real man” shield, the less intimate you can be with another man. The farther away the shield, the further you can go. A cold hard exterior isn’t that porous to emotional intimacy with other men. We have to take off the straight acting, protective covering that keeps us from piercing one another's hearts. Having said that, coming out is not an event. It's a lifelong process of decreasing shame and increasing self-acceptance of our socially "unacceptable" parts. Each person has their own timing, which needs to be respected. So while you can support him, I don't think you should wait around for him because no one knows how long it will take. You deserve someone who can commit to you 100%. Release him. In the space provided, you're both free to re-choose one another, or to move apart, finding your true soul mates. Either way you win with letting go. You can find more on gay men, masculinity and finding true love in my book Straight Acting available at your local gay bookstore, Barnes & Noble, Borders, and amazon.com. All The Best, Angelo. Get Angelo's new book "Straight Acting" In Book Stores Now!
Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column? Email ask@askangelo.com Would you appreciate a safe supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands. Podcasts, Teleseminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available. Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003. www.AskAngelo.com
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