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Dear Angelo,

Your book Straight Acting doesn't seem to leave much room for the argument that gay men could be masculine without it being an act.

I mean isn't it just as possible that gay men are masculine by nature and that we learn to imitate effeminate gay stereotypes? You ("The Gay Man's Therapist") seem to be prejudice against gay guys who are masculine in a positive way. And you also seem to contradict yourself at times like when you say, "sex, gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation are separate," and "having same-sex fantasies doesn’t mean you’re gay." But you also say about some curious straight guys, "doesn't their lust for other men make them gay — even it if it’s just a little?"

I'm not sure your arguments are cohesive or consistent.

Signed, Gay And Masculine

Dear Gay And Masculine,

Some people find my ideas to be controversial and thus my book to be provocative. In fact, I was asked to debate my thesis on CBS News On LOGO, airing soon.

In response to your first point, I discuss in the book how I don't think any of this is a conscious act or performance. If I feed a plant poison water, it takes it in. Similarly, strong and pervasive cultural messages about "how to be a man" and homonegativity surround us from the time we're young, and they can become ingrained. I treat gay men exclusively. There's no doubt some gay men "imitate" effeminate gay stereotypes. However, I think the majority of them do the opposite.

What I argue in my book is that because gay men aren't considered "real men," many ingest a sense of inadequacy. And to "prove" that they're "real men," many can use masculinity to compensate. Whether we're aware of it or not, whether we consciously subscribe to it or not, conformity can become a part of us, running our lives. Closeted or out, we can collude, even in the subtlest of ways, to tone down the signals that we're gay and pump up the signals that we're "all man." We may "act" like this to be more "acceptable," protecting ourselves from hurtful, damaging, and potentially dangerous homophobia. Anti-gay sentiment in our culture is prevalent and can be traumatizing. The challenge of decreasing learned shame (that's often subconscious) and increasing self-love is a lifelong process, not an event. To fight gay stigma, we may use masculinity to broadcast "I'm gay, but I'm not a faggot. I'm masculine, so I have value." We want respect and equal treatment. The shame I'm talking about is emotional shame, not intellectual. It's what we may feel in our hearts, not think in our minds. So it's not masculine gay men that are the problem. The problem comes in when a gay man embraces masculinity as a mask, a front, or facade to make themselves more acceptable, escaping the effeminate gay stereotypes that can be demeaning.

Trying to free us all from the ongoing bombardment of anti-gay sentiment and oppression that causes horrible fear, anxiety, humiliation, shame, and for some self-destructive coping strategies, I encourage everyone in the book to accept themselves as they are — whatever that looks like. If you're a gay man that likes football and hates musicals — fine. if you're a gay man that like both — fine. If you hate football and love musicals — again fine. Every human being has a certain mix of masculinity and femininity. What I'm saying in the book is that you have to accept yourself as the gay man you are — whatever mix you have. So if you're gay and masculine by nature and coming from a place of esteem — terrific. I recognize that in the book. It's when you're using masculinity, coming from a place of shame, to stamp out or compromise your "gay" self — then it's toxic — and that's what I'm saying in the book.

As far as your second point, I think my book needs to be taken as a whole. Sentences taken out of context could seem to be contradictory or inconsistent. Yes, I say those things, but in the context of what I'm talking about. There are whole sections in the book where I stress how it's natural for humans (and animals for that matter) to have a range of sexual capacity from gay to straight. I state that most of us fall somewhere between the two polar opposites. My message in the book is that human sexuality is fluid. And it is possible — even natural — to be a bit of this and a bit of that. Again encouraging men to explore their whole selves, just being who they are.

I recognize my book will bring both strong praise and harsh criticism. As with any cutting edge thought, some of the criticism is simply unfounded as opposed to debatable. Regarding any revolution of consciousness, I think there will be some people who have a hard time with the truth this book brings, and a hard time accepting that enlightenment into their lives; That would mean they would have to examine themselves, shift perspective, and change. So they will resist its message, insisting the world is flat, not round. Plus men in general desire to be strong, not weak, and thus can be experts in denial, refuting there's even a problem. Perhaps most importantly, I'm talking about a very sensitive issue that can strike a strong cord with some gay men. In my experience, some gay men can feel as though I'm attacking them when I'm talking about this topic. A few lash out at me defensively, blasting my ideas and credibility with vehemence. I think this negative projection or transfer gets stirred up because I touch a tender spot —their inner wound of homonegativity and the coping methods they use to deal with it.

This book is a compassionate, honest, and informative read for all gay men about an important subject. You will benefit by realizing things about yourself. Its powerful thesis and plethora of solutions will help our community as a whole.

Weigh in on the debate. My book Straight Acting — Gay Men, Masculinity And Finding True Love (Kensington Books) is available at amazon.com, Barnes&Noble, Borders, and gay bookstores.

All The Best, Angelo.

Dear Angelo,

My best friend's boyfriend came into the bathroom during his birthday party and peeked at my manhood while I was taking a whiz. He put his hand on it when I was done. Yes, I let him. As I got a semi, he looked into my eyes as if he wanted to go further, but I left.

Now I don't know what to do. He's wicked hot, but he's also my best friend's boyfriend. What should I do?

Signed, Judas

Dear Judas,

Want to know what ends a friendship the fastest — betrayal. Nothing corrodes a relationship quicker than mistrust.

You just have to stop and ask yourself what your values are? I mean ask yourself how would you like it if your best friend did this to you with your boyfriend?

You need to do the right thing. Tell the boyfriend that while you find him very tempting, you value your friendship with your best friend too much to trick with him. And then you need to tell your best friend what happened, so he knows what kind of boyfriend he's dealing with.

All The Best, Angelo.

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